Can I have fruit instead of fries?                                                                                                                   Of course you can.                                                                                                                                       Okay, but I’m allergic to melon so can you just pick out the cantaloupe?                             There’s other melon in the fruit.                                                                                                            Yeah, but I just can’t have cantaloupe.

Okay let’s get something straight.  Cantaloupe is a melon.  Honeydew is a melon.  Watermelon is a melon as well hence the name it has melonous qualities and is therefore a melon. Honeydew came from Africa and cantaloupe came from Iran are you allergic to Persian food as well?  Or are you just allergic to honesty?  Telling the truth must make you break out in hives.

Don’t lie to me.  Just tell me you don’t like the taste of cantaloupe.  Frankly, I find cantaloupe to be the most unexciting fruit and I haven’t eaten it in at least a decade so if you told me you didn’t like it I would totally be on board and I would probably high five you or something because now we’re soul sisters and have something in common let’s get a drink and talk for hours about how repulsive cantaloupe is.  But you didn’t.  You pretended to be allergic and that is what a five year old does when their mother tries to serve them broccoli.

What can I get for you sir?                                                                                                                                I’ll have a cup of chicken noodle soup, but broth only.  I’m a vegetarian so there can’t be any chicken in it.                                                                                                                                         Okay, but you know it’s chicken broth, right?  Not a vegetable base?                                      Yes…I just can’t have the chicken.

I am fully in support of vegetarianism and I am a strong advocate of veganism most of my meals follow these guidelines so I am well versed in the art of cruelty free lifestyle choices but the thing is that chicken broth has chicken.  It’s in the name.  You realize that, to make the broth, they still have to kill a chicken, right?

Here’s how it goes.  You take the neck and/or the empty carcass of a bird, i.e. whatever is left after the meat has been removed, and let it soak in a pot with some vegetables like celery or carrots or parsley and after about four hours you have chicken broth.  You can’t make it without killing a chicken.  So you’re sitting here taking this condescending tone with me acting all high and mighty from your bar stool in your PETA shirt but you are still consuming an animal product the chicken needs to die to make your broth vegetarianism isn’t selective.  It can be but then you’re not a vegetarian anymore you’re just a person who really enjoys fruits and vegetables.

I just don’t get it. I’m wondering if rationale and logic have become a lost art or if you’re all really buying into your manipulated reality.  You’re not only lying to me but you are also lying to yourselves and, quite frankly, it’s rush hour in the bar and I don’t have time to pick through the fruit and I sure as hell am not picking out little shreds of chicken from a scalding hot bowl of soup. Workman’s comp doesn’t cover unreasonable customer requests trust me I’ve checked.

I’m not picking sesame seeds off of your everything bagel because you like their flavor but not their texture and unless you’re 78 and missing all your teeth I’m not cutting the crust off of your toast don’t tell me it’s too sharp for your sensitive mouth.

As of this morning, I already drained the juice from one guy’s coleslaw and picked the onions out of this woman’s tuna salad and scraped the cheese off somebody’s omelet and all of you keep forgetting that you have your own set of hands I don’t want to go playing around in your food.

I can’t take the cabbage out of the salad it was premixed this morning and don’t try to tell me you’re allergic no one’s allergic to cabbage.  If you have a problem take some Gas-X or some Tums or something I may even have a bottle of Pepto in my purse but I’m not doing this.  You are these creepy infants in adult bodies and judging by the size of those bodies you’ve never experienced true hunger before and maybe that’s the problem.  We need a little more starvation and a little less entitlement because my shift is over and all I wanted was a cup of fruit my throat is dry it’t hot outside and it sounded good and I’ve opened the fridge and I’ve reached for the spoon and there’s nothing but cantaloupe in there.

And I’m allergic to cantaloupe.