Women, I have a bone to pick with you. And not a cute, pint sized wishbone. I’m talking Jurassic.
It goes like this: you pee on toilet seats. Stall 1, pee on the seat. Stall 2, pee on the seat. Stall 3, Niagara Falls. It looks like my childhood bathroom before my younger brothers learned how to aim.
And it’s perfectly illogical. Because the odds of you picking up anything dangerous from a toilet seat are slim, at best. You know what’s got ten times the bacteria of a toilet seat, not to mention fecal matter? Your cell phone. Which you hold in your hands, before taking a bite out of that juicy burger.
And, for those of you hover boarders out there who don’t wash your hands after using the restroom, you can just go ahead and increase that bacteria amount tenfold. You’re gross.
You’d be amazed at the amount of women I see leaving the restroom without going anywhere near that sink.
And if you’re bad at aiming, which, by any indication, 99% of you are, at least wipe the damned seat. It’s your pee. You touch it. Don’t make me do it. Don’t make a busboy or a dishwasher do it. You do it. Have some decency people.
And wash your damn hands.
You know what else has insane amounts of bacteria (again, more than toilet seats)? Restaurant menus. You know what I don’t want? Pink eye. Which I got, that one time, after rubbing my eyes at work. You know how I know it wasn’t me? Because I wash my fucking hands.
I’m doing that annoying thing where I answer all of my own questions. Sorry (I’m not sorry). But you know what’s more annoying than that? Pink eye.
Please wash your hands. Please don’t hover over toilet seats we have seat covers to create a barrier between you and the seat. And if you have to hover, do me a favor and work on that aim of yours. Because I really have to pee, and you’re all getting in the way of that.
Just stop it already. And if you don’t trust me (but you should, because I’m a certified blogger), here are some cold hard facts.
The door handle to the bathroom has far more bacteria than the seat. So does the handle to the stall. The one on the toilet. Even the roll of toilet paper itself is crawling in organisms.
Your cutting board AT HOME has around 200 times the amount of fecal matter as a toilet seat. And you eat off of that shit. That loofa you use to scrub your body with, well, you don’t even want me going there.
Skin is an organ that is used to protect us against bacteria and micro organisms. It is the single greatest barrier next to hand washing, good hygiene, and sanitizer. Which means you should be far more concerned with where your hands have been, than where your ass has been.

(Oh, and by the way, when you flush, it makes all of the bacteria airborne. Which means you breathe it, swallow it, engulf it. Ain’t no amount of hovering gonna protect you from that.)