A heat wave has hit Southern California, and I’m convinced it has fried everyone’s brain. People have been acting strange since I tied on my apron at 8:00 AM when the woman on T104 asked me to borrow a lighter for her Kitty Cat Candle. Yes, you read that right. Kitty cat candle. And now she’s lighting it with my lighter.
“Just be sure to get that back to me,” I say.
Her son chimes in from beside her. “You must be a smoker.”
No I’m not a smoker I’m a waitress and have you ever been dead in the middle of a lunch rush and some 47 year old man wants you to sing him happy birthday and you stick the candle in the dessert and realize someone jacked your lighter? Then you have to go to the kitchen and light it on the heat lamps and walk it all the way back to the bar, so very slowly, but of course it blows out halfway there so you have to turn back and do it all over again. So yes, I’m very attached to my lighters.
“No, used to be. I quit not too long ago.”
“You’re not going to stay quit,” he says.
“7 times. It takes 7 times of quitting, on average, before it finally sticks.”
That’s so encouraging we’ve got a motivational speaker here on our hands thanks Tony Robins is it time for me to cry now?
Meanwhile, the woman at the next table decided she didn’t want her omelet.
“Is there something wrong with it?”
*there’s nothing wrong with it*
“The Home Fries have no flavor—no seasoning.”
“Yeah, they’re just potatoes. We don’t season them.”
“Well, they look weird.”
*they don’t look weird*
“Okay, do you want something else?”
“Honestly, I’m just kind of over it. I’m not feeling any of this. Will you just take it?”
“So there’s nothing wrong with it?”
“I’m just not in the mood.”
Okay. You’re not in the mood. Normal. This is normal. And speaking of moods, apparently I’m in a good one, according to the guy at the bar.
“You’re usually so moody, but today, something’s different.”
Side note, women seriously LOVE it when men do the following two things:
- Tell us we look tired.
- Comment on the moods we’re in.
“In fact, you’re in such a good mood, I think I’ll stay and have another drink.”
Oh no, please don’t. Don’t stay on my behalf. The woman with the kitty cat candle needs the wick re-lit and the lady with the omelet has decided on a salad and then changed her mind again and decided on two slices of tomato and a piece of toast and then decided on nothing at all. Tony Robins says he can help me quit smoking because he’s a doctor and he keeps trying to hand me a business card despite the fact I’ve told him I quit and I think he just wants to spend some one on one time with me in the weird little office he rents above the drug store on the corner. But honestly, at the end of this shift, on this bizarre, brain-melting day, the only thing I want to know is what the hell is up with that kitty cat candle? And where can I get one?